No Kneeling for Me Please, I'm Lazy!

"For this reason I kneel before the Father..."

I wonder if Paul actually knelt before the father or if it was simply a figure of speech? I wonder if Paul had as hard of time praying as I do? I wonder if Paul felt the pressure of using big, fancy words when he prayed to paint pictures for his churches like I do? I wonder if Paul lacked confidence ever in the words that he prayed like I do? I wonder if Paul was ever ridiculed for the way he prayed like I think I do?

I wonder what my sufferings are and whose glories they end up being? I wonder if I will ever be like Paul? My deepest desire is that the youth may indeed one day be overfilled with the love of Christ that they have no idea how to respond except to fall flat to the floor and pray. So I wrestle then if at youth group we the church are allowing the knowledge of God to be made known to the youth? If so, am I know the knowledge and power of God that is supposed to be manifest itself through the church?

Rambling and grumblings this is but confused and at times, not amused, by the way faith and church mirrors themselves in my life. His eternal purpose, which was made known by Christ, is what I live for, I think. At least that is what I tell myself. I also would like to know what it must be like to be rooted so deeply in Christ love that I honestly feel as a child of God. So I pray, along with Paul, that my youth may be deeply rooted and established in love, may have power, with all the saints (something that I am still trying to wrap my mind around, "the communion of saints"), to grasp how deep and wide and tall and round Christ love is, so incomprehensible that is surpasses knowledge.

I don't want a personal Jesus, one that I run to, to try and manipulate God and myself into thinking that I am a good person or that I am so horrible, that I committed such a horrible sin, that I need to feel so ashamed to sit at the feet of this Jesus character who tells me through the saints that his love surpasses all the knowledge I can gain. I want to love the way Christ loved others. I want to be Jesus. I want to be a radical like he was. I want to be a 'Jester for Jesus'. "To be filled with all the fullness of God." Simply, WOW!

Until then I write, at least I attempt to. To allow my inner critic, although I think I am 'breaking the rules' on how this is suppose to work, to speak and to get his voice out so that these questions, these issues, these doubts will no longer be something that hinders me. I don't believe in the devil as a horned being who sends out little fire like demons to trick/tempt me into doing 'bad' things. Rather, I believe is being undisciplined and lazy which results in a life style that is not one that mimics Christ's. This is where I am at I think. All this about church life, trying to live into the fullness of God's love/grace/knowledge, is simply because I want more but am simply LAZY.

So pray dear friends. Pray for me. May you and I together like Paul, fall on our knees and pray to the Father who is what gives us life and hope and love, and pray for each other. Pray on your knees, pray for the love of Christ to consume us!

Shalom.