Voices

Letting my critic speak first is difficult. It is suppose to be the first thing that I do when I wake up. To get up, sit in front of this here laptop, and begin to allow my critic to speak. So I type, not really suppose to have any set topic to write about, but it always seems to come out a different way. Usually, especially these past few posts, are rantings and ravings about something that has pissed me off. Today, is no exception.

My heart is heavy and my eyes are filling up. I think of a water park back in Peoria where they had this huge bucket that swayed back and forth, swinging left, than right and every time it swayed water would gather in it, tossing it as it got heavier, viciously farther and farther to each side. Finally when there was too much water, it would all pour over. This is exactly what I am sure will happen soon with me.

As I allow room for my critic to speak, I begin to hear other voices within me, yelling and asking for my attention. Not to worry anyone who may happen to find themselves across this blog, I am not hearing those sort of voices. Simply voices that have began to lead me into a contemplative mindset. For instance, there I stood, leading morning prayer, following the flow of prayer the way the PC (USA) prayer book has it laid out for us and I give thanks for something that I lied about. What happens when you pray something but you're not really thankful for what you're praying for? Does God know? I guess this is when the Spirit prays for us, like how Paul touches base on it in Romans. Either way, I was suppose to give thanks for the body of Christ. As I fumbled for the right words to incorporate into my prayer, a sense of guilt came over me. For as I finished offering up this thing I am thankful for, I chuckled knowing that I am not thankful for it all. If anything, I hate it.

Strong words I know but right now I am very bitter towards the body of Christ. It disturbs me how churches pay so much attention to the things we do "right" that we become so mislead that we are too afraid or simply, neglect, to touch base on that which we need to work on. I dislike how only certain people in the church work or do the ministry. It is the same 15 or 20 people while the others participate and not have any desire to step in and help. Maybe they have been scarred or maybe they too have been hurt by the church. Either way, we are so dysfunctional that we leave ourselves with no option but to wear our great, colorful masks. Which, I think I will be adding some blue to mine.

"If I could only see your face, I know everything will be ok." Christ, please forgive us for our often selfish and rugged individualistic approach to your ministry. We just mean to pop our churches collars, so that we can show our community that we have a reputation for a reason. We want to give you the honor but only after I am recognized for the work I have done. I want to come to you Christ, for I am tired, heavy burden and battling open wounds, but I am too ashamed. How can I show my face to you? How can I fall at your feet and have you love me when I don't even love you all the time? I am wanting to be your disciple and I try and tell others about it, but its tough.

My inner critic has had other critics join him. Together they scream louder and louder, becoming angrier and angrier, while leading me into a direction I need to go. May all these voices, teach me to love you, Christ, and those whom I will find on the path I am on.

Shalom.